Repost from SEC Banter:
With the 2018 season just weeks away, SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey surprised the sports world recently with an official statement from the conference: “SEC football may be hazardous to your health.”
I jest, of course; Sankey said no such thing.
But he should have.
With 40 years of Southeastern Conference football fandom under my belt, I can say with authority that SEC football poses a serious danger to the health and welfare of all who consider themselves SEC fans.
SEC football is not organic, 100% natural, gluten-free, non-GMO, and it sure isn’t vegan.
Healthy, SEC football it ain’t.
For some reason, I am compelled to eat a ton more food during college football season. Because the food actually tastes good, it is, as you might expect, totally unhealthy.
Nachos. Ribs. Fried chicken. That imitation Houston’s spinach dip recipe I found online. (Never as good as the genuine article.)
You ever gone in for a third round of leftover tailgate food by sneaking some cold fried chicken on a late October Saturday night?
Highly unhealthy; highly recommended.
The harmful effects of SEC football extend well beyond food and into the hydration category. I’ll be damned if I’m the only one who can’t take in an SEC football game without enjoying an adult beverage.
I am the only one, you say? Oops. Well, another bourbon and Coke, please. And make it a real Coke, I’m talkin’ Coca-Cola Classic, with all its sugary, bubbly goodness.
The good stuff costs money and, during SEC football season, you spend a lot more of it.
A UGA buddy of mine reckons he parted with $20,000 last year attending Dawgs’ games around the country. Twenty large!
Heck, for that much geet, Carmax will sell you two 2010 Mercury Grand Marquis — a very good year for that fine sedan.
While football season costs more, working harder to subsidize your SEC obsession is as likely as me turning Democrat. In fact, economists have concluded the gross domestic product of the Southeastern U.S. dips precariously during SEC football season.
Admit it: the week of a big game, your work focus wanes by Wednesday, and you spend Thursday and Friday reading everything about it, all on the company dime.
Next week’s productivity falls even further if your team is on a roll, as you bask in victory and consume all media content possible.
You know you’ve reached the end of the internet if you stumble across an SEC Banter article.
Don’t even get me started with the social ills that accompany SEC football. I have more football-infused arguments each fall than any other time of year. Debates with strangers, co-workers, friends and, worst of all, family.
I’ve managed to argue with family members after a win, where everyone was pulling for the same team. “I’m telling you, [so-and-so, usually Ed Orgeron] is a liability and he’s gonna cost us three games this year!”
Who has the better team, coach, stadium, college town, tailgate atmosphere, live mascot, dead mascot, uniform, end zone paint job, band? You name it, I’ve argued about it.
All over texts, of course, as no one talks in-person anymore, and I take great pains to avoid any face-to-face interaction whatsoever from September through December.
Healthy, SEC football it ain’t. It’s a toxic football cocktail that elevates my stress to appreciably hazardous levels. The mental and physical toll of SEC Saturdays must be addressed, and I call upon the conference to take immediate action.
None of this is self-induced. I had to stay up until 1:00 am re-watching that instant SEC classic from earlier in the day and no one bothered to put away the cold Popeyes . . .
So, as we embark on another football season in the sweet South, you’ll have no choice but to pig out on unhealthy food, drink more, spend more money, work less, argue with friends and family, and suffer through crippling stress.
Can’t wait for kickoff!